i just woke up from a nightmare.

i had cancer. breast cancer. and no one cared. not taylor, not my family really, not my friends. i just HAD it and nothing was going to make it better. it was so scary because i genuinely felt like that dream was real. everything about it had a "real" feel to it. how everyone spoke, how they acted, etc.

i probably fucked up again last night. spent a long time talking to dan and that is no good.

lost my job at the ballastone. sucks. went and applied at livewire.

it is selfish of me to want to talk to taylor still
i'm only hurting myself by doing that

i need to be by myself so that i can rein in my selfish, impatient, stubborn nature.

i shouldn't be doing this for taylor, i should do it for myself so that in the future i CAN meet that person that i can spend my life with.
this is a learning experience.
it is time for me to learn and stop being such a little bitch.

i'm going to:
read books
listen to more music
smoke less pot
run every other morning
do yoga
eat healthy
cook more

and ENJOY my fucking life

i have to stop being so sad.

so this has been a very tough couple of days.
besides getting way too shitfaced this weekend, i also neglected my ad campaign which is due tomorrow.

why can't i have any motivation? i feel like i'm dead in the water. i've been trying to stay happy, to stay busy, but certain things just keep me down.
yesterday he called me. it made me really happy to hear his voice until i immediately noticed it was not a happy voice. he sounded labored, like this phone call had been weighing on his mind all day and he wanted it over with. i guess i finally know what it was like for him talking to me these past two months. everything i said i felt like he didn't care about. the only time he sounded engaged was when i asked him about saucers. god it broke my heart to hear in his voice that he really doesn't care about what i'm doing anymore. i feel like whatever i'm doing is pointless.

yeah so it's only been a week since he left. i'm miserable, but trying to stay happy like he said.

i keep reading things that say "learn to be charming"- that'll get him back. i don't even know what that means. i'm a blunt object and it really just seems like i can't do anything right.
everyone i come in contact with i hurt, and in the end most of this hurt that i cause for other people is in turn directed back at me. i'd say that over the past week i've looked back and realized half the shit i was mad about was my fault in the first place.

i don't think i'm happy unless i'm busy, and the summer always makes that hard for me. no one is here in georgia, my two jobs- boring, my class is interesting but right now no amount of busyness can keep my mind off taylor. everywhere i go in this city reminds me of him.
i feel that it's so unfair that he decided to break up right before he was going back to texas where he has all of the comfort of friends and family he needs to get through this. me? i've been smoking pot and trying to work out. god i'm out of shape.

if only i were with the crew they could help me get through this. maybe i'm a pansy for not being able to deal with this by myself but this is one of the few things in my life i really need help on, besides my tempter, impatience, and stubborness.. all of which taylor always seemed to calm.

i want to tell him so many things but i know nothing will help. i can only hope for the future, whatever that may be.

that's it
i can't convince someone i love them
i'm a horrible girlfriend
apparently i'm never excited to hear from taylor
apparently i don't enjoy his company
fine

i'm giving up.

fuck fuck fuck fuck
i have to stop thinking about him
he will never want me back
i have to just accept that

but i can't.

okay. better.

myles called me last night and actually talked to me. we had good conversation and everything then all of the sudden he said
"celby.. i miss you a lot. i can't wait to see you this weekend, but there's something i need to tell you.."
"okay? what?"
"i don't think i'm in love w/ you anymore.. but i still want to be w/ you"
".. hmm. well"
then i proceeded to explain how i've been doubting myself on that as well. i honestly have been since last monday. he put it really well though, that he just wants us to be able to have fun and that we're basically going to just try and start over since we got to the point of either that or.. break up. and neither of us wanted that.
i'm so fucking excited that he's coming this weekend.
i don't have to go to evansville
i don't even have to work on saturday! whooo! so it means lots of time for us to actually have fun with each other.
so things are better there.

things w/ publicity for ENC are going well. we got a lot of things together today which caught us up from me being gone last friday. i'm still doing well in school. i'm working everyday after school this week starting tomorrow... which means $$$. but only like.. 75 bucks. but hey, money in the bank.

life is looking a lot better. how odd that all of that changes in one night really. had a good talk w/ my mom and w/ myles.

well. i'm happy. i think i'll go take another luxurious bath.

so i had to have surgery.
the stone wouldn't come out and it was stuck.. so i had surgery yesterday. they didn't cut me open so.. you can figure the rest out.
but anyways it's gone. i went to school today.
tomorrow is 311!!!!!!
sweet
myles said he might come down
he's just worried about getting drug tested by his parents
which is a valid worry to have
i dunno. i doubt he will but it'd be super fun if he did come

either way this weekend will be good.
311
poker night at corbin's
and it's a freaking 3 day weekend

sweet

FAME opened tonight.
errr it went okay.
i want it to be monday
and prom to be gone

NOW.

NEWS!

Friends only.

Comment to be added. :)

Happy Ides of March.. yesterday :-\
I'm about to go to sleep after seeing an amazing show.
which if you missed out.
THURSDAY FUCKING OWNED.

i'll write more later. ii'm wi;oqifedq;io 5righ tronow .
idcahk

So spring break so far has been so-so.
Friday, I went out to Tomball and hung out the lovely Beth + Co. We went to see Driver Friendly/Dover Drive and it was lovely fun to say the least. I love tomball.
Saturday, I worked the Boone Clinic, watched Elise buy a frivolous $11.99 gigantic fish at Academy while we were looking at prospective rafts and tents for our summer o' fun. Elise thought the little tents they put up as demos were the actual tents... for dogs. Ha.
Sunday, today, I picked up jaycub and we went backroading on Riley Fuzzle and it was fun. We found a sign that said "We Buy Ho__s" the blanks are where "m" and "e" are supposed to be. Heh. That's actually at the end of Louetta when it hits Aldine Westfield. Then we BBQed at Elises, got together everyone at Starbucks, played some hardcore Teken 3, and went to Denny's. All a very productive night.
Observe our genius of Denny's below.

( sunset blvd has got nothing on me )

fuck.
i'm meeting him to get my shit back on thursday.

why the fuck am i shaking?!

Jaycub that's terrible news!

But I have something wonderful!
MATISYAHU IS ON MARCH 12TH! WE ARE BUYING TICKETS TODAY OMGLOROTLRHIEHIWH!@2

excited beyond reason.

there are so many amazing shows coming up.

March 10th: Dover Drive, Alaska Is for Players, Driver Friendly!
March 12th: Matisyahu
March 15th: THURSDAY
March 17th: SAY ANYTHING
April 17th: COHEED AND CAMBRIA

it's amazing. someone saw that my life sucked and booked the ultimate march for me.

oh and dont forget

MY 17TH BIRTHDAY IS ON MARCH 26TH!!

tonite.
was ridiculous.
beyond words.


what the hell.


i wish i could be attracted to adam.. but i'm not :(
sadness

mysterious events:
it's rained for the last three fridays since when myles and i got back together and broke up again. bad. luck.
i've got two weird bruises on my thighs like when well. yeah.

:\

Coheed and Cambria has been brought back into my life. Not even Myles can ruin them for me.

In other news, I'm going to be busy.

Wednesday: Work from 3-5:30
Dinner w/ Adam at 6:30
Thursday: Work from 3-5:30
Mr. Woodlands from 5:45-11 (PAIN!)
Friday: Plans to be made
Saturday: Work from 10-4
Show?
Sunday: I think I might go to church. Who knows.

For future reference:

This weekend DID NOT HAPPEN.
Myles Wood DOES NOT EXIST.
DONT ASK ME.

I can't handle retelling it.

i'm going to put myself on your cutting table.

i have no idea why this is so hard for me to just.. fucking get over this.

i'm going back on my medicate until further notice.

i feel like i'm being dragged by a cord through gravel.

today's word:
liar



that is one of my favorite drawings/illusions.

so today, despite what i thought, was pretty good.

i went to work on a good note. listened to motion city the whole way there with my windows down and it felt so fucking right.
it's not so much that i'm sad, as i'm anxious and confused.
btu anyway, i get to work and it wasn't so bad today. didn't really have to work much due to ridiculous lack of customers. we got really busy at 3 (as usual) and had 6 customers in the store at 4. well shit. turning off the lights, everyone rushes the counter. yadayadayada. it's not abnormal.
so i leave work and go to the hand me up shop. around 1:30 jaycub stopped by my work (totally brightened my day, thank you jaycub ^_^) and told me there was a phonograph/stereo at the hand me up shop for $10 DOLLAH. so excited, i call them to reserve it. turns out the thing works perfectly. awesome!
came home with a bette midler album and put that shit on. dancing in my house ensues. then aretha. twas wonderful.
then my mother tried cooking bread pudding and set the alarms off.
now mother + lyle = gone. elliot = at TWHS watching breakdancing.
i = happier than i should be and about to leave for jaycubs.
fantastic, hopefully tonite will keep the ball rolling on awesomeness and lack of missing myles.

myles and celby are no more as of 2 am this morning.

so don't ask.
i don't want to talk about it.